"but his hand is stretched out still."

Disclaimer: this post is of a fairly personal nature.  I just felt inclined to write about it today...so here you go...

Lately I've been struggling with my faith...not faith in the sense of my religious beliefs, but my faith in myself and also my faith in Heavenly Father and the Savior.  I don't doubt the existence of my Father or the Savior or the truthfulness of the gospel...no...I just have really been doubting my ability to succeed in life I guess is what it is.  Don't ask me what my standard is for success...I'm not really sure (which actually could be part of the problem...but I'll ponder that later).  I've just felt like my best is not as good as other people's bests or as good as it should be.  And I know that it is silly to compare...everyone's best is different...and what is my best one day might not be my best the next day.  I just feel like I can do better...physically (although I did enjoy a 20 mile bike ride yesterday), mentally, spiritually, emotionally...I've been in a funk, YES!  That is the word...funk.  I haven't been depressed...just "ho hum"...especially spiritually.  And having been in a spiritual funk before, I know the primary answers to getting out of it...pray, read scriptures, go to church, listen to conference...all good things to be sure.  But in my funk, I have really been struggling with those things.  Lacking faith in myself has proven to be a fairly tough road block to get around in order to do any of them.  But do not despair...this is not a tell of sadness.

Yesterday, while on my bike ride...actually, while sitting on a rock out at Saltair an older gentleman came by on his bike and said hello and we chatted about the perfect day it was for biking and how it felt so good.  He said,  "It really makes you feel alive."  He hit the nail on the head.  That is exactly what I felt.  I watched all these cars that had driven out there to look around and I thought, "how boring...I-80 is such a boring road out here.  A bike is WAY better."  (This is not to say that I'm ready to bike up Emigration canyon to Ruth's, but I did love it).  And as you may have read in the previous post, riding bikes was like being 13 again.  Well I guess that ride sparked something inside me...besides just some very sore body parts.  This morning I woke up at about 7:50am and realized that it was fast Sunday.  And for the first time in, I'll just say a while, I got on my knees and basically just told Heavenly Father that I really needed to "feel the fire again".  I acknowledged that my fast would not be all day, but I hoped that it was enough so that somehow I could feel that "alive" feeling I felt on my bike ride more powerfully.  I got up and got ready and off to church I went.  Scott gave Lyla a beautiful blessing and as the testimony meeting began the thought occurred to me that despite my lacking in spirituality, I do have a testimony and I can share it.  But it wasn't my ward and I feel awkward bearing my testimony in other people's wards.  But with about ten minutes left in the meeting, and Kerri joking that she would go up if I would, I finally said, "ok" and got up.  Which I think surprised Kerri.  It surprised me.  Usually when I bear my testimony I tend to feel an overwhelming push to do so.  Today...I didn't feel that...I don't think I could.  But I somehow knew that getting up was the right thing to do.  It was the answer I was looking for.  

And it was.  The second I got up I felt something again.  And when I got to the pulpit I was so overwhelmed with gratitude and the reassurance that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me I could barely get two words out.  I did manage.  I know he loves me because as I got to that pulpit I saw my family sitting in the congregation and if you know my family you know how awesome they are.  And I know that my family is an expression of the love my Father in Heaven has for me.  I also thought about the drive home from Cedar with my mom last weekend and Cannon Beach, and the north shore of Oahu and how I feel his presence and love overwhelmingly when I am in nature.  

As I sat down I thought about how I had felt so undeserving asking for that "fire" again and two scriptures came to my mind:

Matthew 14: 31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? 

The second scripture wasn't a specific verse since the phrase is found in the Book of Mormon quite a few times and is the title of this post:

"...For all this his anger is not turned away, but his hand is stretched out still."

I was so blown away that a simple, short request that I had uttered only an hour or so previous was so immediately answered.  And so comforted by the fact that though I am not a "gold star member of primary" right now, his hand is stretched out still.  

It is funny, how a principle can be such a part of my life for the last 32 years and yet, I am amazed each time I see the principle illustrated in my life.  

I know that the "alive fiery feeling" is something that I am going to have to continue to work for, but knowing that it is there for me to feel, that is an amazing feeling and enough spark to keep me going.